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*cough* Hello.
Had enough of all those fake awards? The Oscars? So fake. The BAFTAs? Made up by the media who are too scared to tell you the truth.
To counter all that we bring you the Alternative Awards, or Alt-Awards. And these are in no way influenced by ‘foreign actors’. Only good ol’ home grown actors here. Any results that you see leaked are being done so by bad hombres. Sad.
Great news is we have a new sponsor for the event. It’s V0dka. ‘Don’t be bad. Drink like Vlad-imir.’ The classic American drink enjoyed by millions of hard working folk just like you. Never has the potato tasted so good. Apart from as ‘Freedom Fries’.
Despite appearances we know that this year will have the biggest audience ever. Billions will witness this event. 8 to 10 billion in fact.
Due to the unprecedented success of last year’s new be-quiffed mascot we’ve brought it back. If you ignore all the millions of votes against it (mostly illegal no doubt) it was the most popular statue since the last really popular one.
Welcome to the 2017 KM UK Awards.
Welcome to the 8th Annual ‘RichE’ Alt-Awards brought to you by Kathryn Morris UK
Our event organisers hope you are enjoying the pre-awards entertainment courtesy of a group of touring musicians. We really like a travelling band. This is the second one we’ve seen since the beginning of the year. I’m told everyone loves them but you can be the so-called judge. Next year they’ll be replaced by a new ‘wall of sound’. It is not a done deal yet but plans are well under way. Trust me, it’ll be a big, beautiful wall of sound.
This year we have a introduced a whole slew of new awards, though many may look a lot like the previous ones, they are completely different in every way. Apart from the similarities. Which are not the same.
Here are the RichE Awards on behalf of KM UK in association with V0dka. ‘Don’t be bad. Drink like Vlad-imir.’
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Best Part Of A New TV Show Award |
A return to the award introduced for the first time last year.
As Kathryn took the lead in the new TV sci-fi-ish drama Colony then she is clearly the Best Part Of A New TV Show. You may think you only saw her in three episodes but thanks to the alien technology employed she was really in all ten. I’m told she was often multiple characters on screen at the same time. I heard that so it must be true. The story put about by the failing media is Kathryn’s Charlotte was sent to the off-world factory. Thanks to my intervention that factory is coming back to America. The promise by the hosts to do the same two years ago is fake news. Kathryn wins the Best Part Of A New TV Show award! |
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Best Drink In A New TV Show Award |
Right from the start Charlotte Burgess, as played by Kathryn, in the mega hit TV show Colony showed her liking of the finer things in life. That included her drink. It might have looked like white wine but we know the Colony hosts prefer their The award for Best Drink In A New TV Show goes, in no way influenced by our sponsor, to V0dka ‘Don’t be bad. Drink like Vlad-imir’ in Colony. |
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Lying Liberal Media Award |
The sneaky little bar-stewards.
There we were watching the première episode of Colony knowing it was likely we would not be seeing Kathryn appear until several episodes in. Starting from the beginning would help with understand things when she bestowed her beauty on the small screen again. Much to our surprise the ‘Next week on’ promo trailer for episode two had a clip of Kathryn in very saucy looking form. Colour us excited! In a very white/orange way of course. But no. The lying liberal media that is the USA Network ( The award for the Lying Liberal Media goes to all the media, except for Fox and RT, but especially USA Network. |
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Most Entertaining New Show Award |
Here at KM UK we like to champion new shows as well as our old favourites.
The days of Naked Gun/Police Squad style comedy has returned. Angie Tribeca from the TBS network in America brings back the sight gag and nonsensical verbal sparring of some classic comedies. Some many classic band references (Jay Geils, Sgt Pepper, Diane Duran). And it’s got a dog! Season one had a complicated birth, at one time it looked to have been canned completely, before finally being released in a day long repeating Tribecathon. All the episodes played back-to-back in a loop for a whole day. A second season commission followed. Season 3 will be starting in a few weeks. The winner of this year’s Most Entertaining New Show award is Angie Tribeca. |
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Leading Actress Award |
Our spokesperson will be explaining this one:
“When RichE stated that Kathryn was the lead actress in the show Colony he clearly used quote marks to indicate he meant leading to mean talented and successful. He was not suggesting that Kathryn had the lead female role in the TV show, merely giving an alternative view on acting positions as most people already understood. Those that reported otherwise are trying to distort the truth. RichE has complete respect for the other actors and actresses in Colony. “That said, we are awarding Kathryn the Leading Actress award for her work in the TV show Colony.” |
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Public Appearance Award |
The fake news will have you believe that Kathryn did not attend any public functions in 2016 so there can be no entrants in this category.
Of course the actual, real truth is I saw a person say that he knows a guy who swears that someone told him that actually Kathryn attended at least one event per day throughout the whole year. I’m not saying she did. But she did. It’s so true. That means we have far too many to consider so can’t give the award this time. Sad. |
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Best Costume Award |
Last year we had just five costumes spread across two films. This year’s Best Costume category see a better 7 contenders in just one TV show.
Art collector Charlotte in Colony was determined to show us she had the means to afford lots of outfits in the small amount of time she was on screen. Most were variations on a theme. Different tops, once with a jacket, all paired with dark blue/black leggings or jeans. There was the blue one with a belt, the black and white suit, the other one, the blue one without a belt, the more casual all black number, the one with the light blue spangly top, and the wispy white one. OK, in that scene it looks like pants were optional. Jewellery and belts accessorised the various looks. As someone with so much, so much, so very much, respect for women we have to give the prize for best costume to the one we can see the least of. Number 3 below. We’d really like to grab some… screen time with Kathryn in that! We just can’t help it.
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Worst Costume Award |
We must also pick a Worst Costume Award from the selection presented above.
The belt in the ‘blue one with a belt’ looks most ungainly and the white wispy one leaves something to be desired. The too good to get the worst award. This leaves the prize to go to, in a shock double win, Number 3 below. It looks too tight as things are getting squeezed out of it! And we don’t see enough of it to really (so-called) judge it properly.
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That’s it for the 2017 KM UK Awards. Now get out! Don’t make me move the podium!
On the way out collect your complimentary V0dka ‘Don’t be bad. Drink like Vlad-imir.’
Roll on 2018!
Пока.
The teddy bear (minus the wig) is courtesy of IconsPedia.
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