Kathryn Morris UK

The recession continues to bite around the world and there has been a version of the double-dip in the KM world too.  For the second year running there has been very little to work with and that affects the KM UK Awards too.

Last year’s pessimism proved very much unfounded, but the unexpected success at the Olympics by Team GB (and those from Northern Ireland that wanted to join in) has meant the availability of medals has dropped significantly.  We were very nearly forced to just use ribbons left over from the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee as awards.  Luckily there were a lot unsold “I ♡ UK” souvenir teddy bears left over from the tourist traps outside the Olympic park so we have combined the two to create a very unique award: the “I ♡ KM UK” teddy bear 2013.  We’re calling him ‘RichE’ in honour of our fearless leader, it seems very appropriate.  Trust us, all the big awards ceremonies like the forthcoming BAFTAs and Oscars (we’ve beaten them again!) will now be kicking themselves for not thinking of this.  Look out for the BearFTAs and Bears next year

Kathryn’s film work during 2012 did not/will not see the light of day until this year, making it ineligible for the awards until next year.  It’s going to make the 2013 awards tricky to say the least.  2014 should be in much better shape.

Due to budget constraints we can’t afford a big Hugh Jackman-style song and dance number.  Or a collection of Ricky Gervais put downs.  We can’t even put enough pennies together for Beyonce to mime over the Cold Case theme tune.  We will not lower ourselves to using the latest X Factor oxygen thief, which we probably can afford.  Instead please just watch a few minutes of Pierce Brosnan singing in Mamma Mia! (their exclamation mark) as it sets the (lack of) tone   Don’t make the mistake of trying Piers Morgan *spit* instead.  We don’t want him back!  Off we go…

Welcome to the 4th Annual ‘RichE’ Awards brought to you by Kathryn Morris UK

Turn off you mobile phones, keep your acceptance speeches short, but do remember to give your ‘RichE’ a hug when you receive him. He needs all the attention he can get after being ignored during the Olympics and constantly outshone by his Children In Need fronting cousin Pudsey.  It’s almost enough to make a bear poke himself in the eye!

Sit back and enjoy as we celebrate the highs and lows of 2012.

Best Actress Award	For the very technical reason of no new films starring Kathryn being released during 2012 means she will have to forego the award this year.  Let’s face it her three year long winning streak had to come to an end at some point.  We were hearing accusation of bias.  Really?  Do you really thing here at KM UK we’re biased in favour of Kathryn?  Errr… that is a good point Let’s hope things turn around in 2013, though on the evidence so far she might have a fight on our hands. So, which lovely lady gets to hug a RichE tonight?  And more pressingly whoh gets the coveted Best Actress award today? It’s Claire Danes for her work on the TV drama Homeland.  We’d have been crazy not to have her win, almost as much as she has had to be crazy to win.
Best Actor Award	The lack of Kathryn in this category, thankfully she’s not eligible, means it is a far more wide open field.  Well, it would be if it wasn’t going to an obvious candidate.  No man has taken the art of looking incredible uncomfortable whilst sweating profusely and doing the cause of scary gingers everywhere so much good as our winner.Yes, it’s Claire’s opposite number in Homeland: Damian Lewis. Based on what we’ve seen so far this year we could see another Englishman take the… bear next year too.  The Brits are coming!
Most Entertaining TV Show Award	We’ve decided the end the run of wins by Castle in this category.  It continues to entertain, the “will they/won’t they?” having given way to the “will they again soon?” and “won’t it make work awkward?”, but we feel it is time to try someone new.  That rules out Bones returning to the top step of the podium after an absence of two years.  Rizzoli & Isles were looking good for a win but they’ve been edged out by a show most of you won’t have heard of. 2012 was a very patriotic year in the UK so we’re biggin’ up some English output.  Charlie Brooker, writer and TV presenter, has to take the plaudits.  But what for?  Will it be for his satirical, and often very ranty, work on the 10 O’Clock Live show or his efforts on the typewriter for spoof cop show A Touch Of Cloth. A Touch Of Cloth it is.  Oldman, we look forward to its return in 2013.
Best Almost New Movie Starring Kathryn Award	Was it released?  Was it not released?  There’s only one way to find out…. FIGHT!  Woah, woah!  No fighting please.The only thing that came close to being a film and being released in 2012 was Sunday’s Mother.  It premièred at film festival in early 2012 and appeared at at least one more film festival after that.  Does that count?  It didn’t get wider release in any form. Either way it is the best we can do for this years awards so the bear goes to Sunday’s Mother.
Best Director Award	A new category to the KM UK Awards and another difficult category to judge.  How can you have a best director award when no films were released, at not in away that allows us to comment on them? No, this award goes to the director of a project to be released in 2013.  Not for his directing skills, for his efforts behind behind the camera in helping KM UK bring you the best news coverage we can. We have 3 entries for this award: Michael Damian (The Sweeter Side Of Life), Fabian Martorell (The Coin) and Rob Margolies (2 Br/1 Ba).  It must be said that is a very close run thing. The result of the secret ballot means that our winner by a nose is… Rob Margolies. Thanks to Rob (and Michael and Fabian) for all his help the past few months.  The fruits of the relationship will continue to grace KM UK well into 2013 and possibly beyond.
Unexpected Cameo Award	There we were watching a YouTube video that for we had reason to believe had something to do with Kathryn.  The 5 minute long video contained a man playing a piano in a sort of art gallery cum antiques shop cum 2nd hand arts and furniture store.  Our pianist comes to the end of his entirely improvised piece, the camera pans round and there sits a very beautiful, smilie lady who gives us all a wave. The WTF? award, as it will from now on be known, goes to Sunny Promyotin of Black Media for his The Perfect Note video.
Best Costume Award	As usual we will take the contenders for this award from Kathryn’s public appearances across the year.  There were only really three in 2012, limiting our options to choose outfits.  Black was the overriding theme of all three.  First we had the loose, sleeveless top and tight jeans with oddly uniform/messy repairs at the knee outfit of the She Wants Me DVD launch party.  Second it was the long spotty dress, short leather jacket, scarf combo and small boots of the Step-Up Women’s Network event.  And lastly it was the “stealth” of the Fashion Girls Sandy Benefit sale.  Just what did that outfit actually consist of?  Does it matter when it highlights the long blonde hair, fair skin, and dazzling smile so well? After much staring at numerous images (that stealth outfit is like a black hole, drawing you in) we’ve decided the winner is… Number one, the She Wants Me DVD launch top and jeans.
Worst Costume Award	See the previous item for the contenders. With so few contenders it is difficult to be fair but one is easily spotted (there’s a clue) as the one that works the least well.  That’s not to say it was bad, just the lower end of the good scale compared to the other two.  Or is it other one?  Light can’t escape a black hole so how do we know it is there?  That’s enough astrophysics for one awards ceremony thank you.  Let’s get to the prize giving. The award for the least good costume goes to the Step-Up Women’s Network ensemble.
Best Make-up Award	Again, we use the public appearances as the basis for the make-up awards so see the previous items for the contenders.  For make-up read hair styles.  It even more limiting than the outfits category with only very slight variations on a theme on display throughout 2012.Kathryn went for normal long, straight blonde look.  That’s great.  However, she generally included a rather overwhelming fringe/bangs with it and side elements which seemed designed to closely frame her face.  Why cover up such a beautiful visage so much?  Why? We must choose a winner though. Of all of them the Fashion Girls Sandy Benefit do took the lightest and loosest approach to the look so it takes the prize.
Worst Make-up Award	Conversely the She Wants Me DVD launch variant (seen below) was particularly heavy looking so it takes the wooden spoon. It should be noted that having seen The Big Bang Theory‘s Kaley Cuoco sporting an even worse version at the recent Screen Actors Guild Awards (27 January 2013), Kathryn was actually a trend setter.  A whole year ahead of the game.  That still doesn’t make it right.
Best Special Effects Award	The special effects award goes to the movie Ted.  Not only did it do a wonderful job of combining a 3D computer rendered teddy bear into a live action movie that was wholly believe, it also made you believe that a teddy bear could act like that. Don’t worry children, a teddy bear would never act like that.  Ever.
Where’d The F*****g Bears Go?	Which brings us to our next award… Where’s the award? What’s happened to the big pile of teddy bears? Oh, oh! Did anyone see some bears?  About yay high.  Red ribbons around their necks.  “I ♡ KM UK” on their fronts.  Anyone? Oh god, they’ve escaped! Sorry, but you were bound to find out eventually they were not as tame as we said.  When we caught them they were wild.  In fact they were “absolutely livid”.  😮 Run!  Run for your LIVES!!!!!

Nothing to see here.  Move along.

Ignore the massed ranks of military personnel armed to the teeth with ground-to-bear missiles.  They are just on routine exercises.  Yes, during an awards show, in the middle of a theatre, in a busy city.  What odd about that?

Yes, I am wearing dark glasses at night.

[Deploying mind wiping light device thingy – you know like in Men In Black]

Hello Sir/Madam.  How can I help you?  Of course.  You were just leaving.  The exit is that way.  We hope you enjoyed your evening.  You don’t remember anything about it?  A little too much wine perhaps?

Join us again next year for another unforgettable event 

Don’t forget to let us know your winners and losers of 2012, in the above categories and ones of your own, with a comment.

The teddy bear graphic is courtesy of Icons-Land @ IconsPedia.